Just as I predicted.. you guys were so accepting and encouraging after I shared my post yesterday. You really find out how big your support system is when you are open and honest about what you are going through. Being vulnerable is so hard but it can be so worth it.

I got several messages about my bravery and strength. My instant reaction to those words is that I am quite the opposite.

Days, weeks, even months after leaving.. I felt so weak. I felt like a coward. I felt like I ran away from my problems. And I am well aware that some people might agree. However, after quite a few therapy sessions and a little help from friends and family, it was easier for me to really see just how strong and brave I was.

With that said.. I'd like to be perfectly clear that I am not trying to play the victim in this or be made out to be some type of hero/example. While I do not regret my decision to take my space as it brought me clarity and peace, there are things I would have done differently if I could go back in time.  More often than not, I play the 'coulda/woulda/shoulda' game over and over in my mind. And if my therapist even saw I typed that in this post, she'd give me the biggest eye-roll. It's hard not to think about what could have been had we made one different decision or choice.

Our marriage, while picture perfect on the internet, was put on the back burner most of the time behind everything else in our lives. Looking back, I think we'd both agree that we didn't give it the attention it so desperately needed, however it wasn't intentional. From the get-go we had kids and family distracting us from building a foundation and before we (I) knew it, it was too late. All of that and a few other major factors on top of my sad inability to communicate my worries, concerns, and expectations to my husband ultimately pushed me even further away to the point where I was seeking love and approval elsewhere because I was just constantly feeling invisible and not good enough.

I'm confident now that we have both taken responsibility for our actions and the parts we both played to get us to this point and that has been a major key to this entire recovery process...